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21/02

Well, today's so far crap. But the English weather hasn't yet brightened it up.
I had an interview at First Sport today, and I think I failed in my mission of trying to sell the manager (rather cute, I have to admit, and named Michael) a pair of trainers. I stuttered the entire way through the interview, and when I came out, my courage returned to me. Which makes me simply think:

DAMN!!!

Other than that, Dan's right behind me, and has been giving me interesting details as to his love life. His girlfriend's told him that he can sleep with who he likes and she'll stay with him! Bonus? It would be, had he been the type of guy who would play about.
Just one of those days that makes you think 'Hmmm...'
I'm thinking that Felix has deserted me for all eternity (I could be wrong, and I hope I am), and Paul has ditched me. Of course, I know that on the Paul front I'm just being an idiot. But the Felix thing... I think that I might have cause to be worried, but I'm not sure. I think that I might have expresed my undying love for him, and I can't remember!!!!!
(Alibi = Issy knows what sort of mood I was in yesterday morning, and so can vouch for my lack of sanity!)
Got an email from Lee Goldberg, writer of some American series..es... Is serieses a word? Oh, who knows!! So that was my excitement for the day!
One thing's perking me up at the moment - I have a pizza awaiting my presence!!

20/02

I woke up this morning and went straight into the bathroom to take a flying leap into the bath. Yesterday's drinking still has me a little scrambled, and as I continue in my vein as a nothing, I still have writing on my side.
Anyway, I almost drowned in the bath. Sorry to have NOT completed the action, peeps, but when I was in that water, I suddenly slipped in a general downward direction, and from there, I realised that the underneath of the water was so much warmer than the up-side, and so I stayed there in a rather hippo-like motion.
Then I took that long trot in a general out direction. Of course, I was flying the flag for England (A usual thing for me bearing in mind that I'm English and I love it), and it occurred to me that the gardens of my neighbours were so much more littered with rubbish bags than usual.
OF COURSE, thinks I, The binmen are visiting.
After half an hour of reflection, it suddenly occurred to me that I do NOT, in fact, even know what day it is, for the Bastards In Neon visit here on a Thursday. It is, of course, Wednesday. So, are the Binmen early?
NOT BLOODY LIKELY!!!
Asking them to be early is rather like asking children to shut up. They pay attention for 5 seconds, and then they do what they want, anyway, regardless of anyone else.
At least Paul and Felix have brightened up my day! Have I told you guys recently that I love you?
Thank you for your attention.
*bows*
Now PISS OFF!!!

19/02

I just read Rachael's diary, and for the first time in something like a few months, words reduced me to tears.
Here is Auntie Rachael's entry:
Today, my sister in law finally gave birth to my first
niece... Her name is Ashleigh Dawn Robinson. She's
absolutely perfect... It's so strange to see my brother
as a father...

When we were looking into the nursery at her, he
came walking down the hall, and I decided to give
him something I'd written earlier. As I watched him
read it, I thought about what I'd written and then
looked at her and it just... all hit me at once. I saw
how he felt, how my parents felt, my siblings... And it
was overwhelming. I started to see what she'd be like
when she's my age, and what kind of person she'll
be someday. And I just lost it... I started crying.

He looked at me and said, "This is beautiful... It
says everything I'm feeling right now... Thank you."

I looked at him. 21 years old, newly married, and
now a new father and all I could think about was his
impish grin from when he was 3. I smiled at him
through my tears and said, "This is unbelievable...
It's so much to take in. I still remember when you
and me weren't much older than that..." I paused to
stare and my voice broke on the last bit of my
sentence, "eating dirt and lighting things on fire..."

We both cried and hugged, and then I went back to
the waiting room where my mother hugged me and
didn't let go for a really long time...

Life is truly a miracle... I have found renewed
optimism today... And I even found my inspiration
and wrote something... This is it:

She comes in her own sweet time,
Waiting for the perfect moment
To make her entrance.
Her hands will be tiny,
But today she touches many
In ways
She doesn't yet understand,
And the world,
After her introduction into it,
Is forever changed.

Today,
She meets the world,
Seeing for the first time
Things we overlook
In our adulthood,
And finds wonder
And amusement
And admiration
In the things we take for granted every day.
And as she greets each new thing
Withe her absorbent new mind,
Untainted by disillusionment
And unaccustomed to everything we know,
We get a glimpse
At a brand new world
Through her tiny, perfect eyes.

We all get new roles today:
Aunt, uncle,
Grandma, grandpa,
Mother, father...
And as the sun rises,
We take in the newness of the day.
The gentle ascension
Of the golden circle
Into its place
On the vast blue canvas of sky
Brings much more to the world today
Than simple illumination.
It brings a miracle,
Disguised as a tiny version of a human being.

Now THAT is the epitomy of true beauty. I shall now dry my eyes...

18/02

Okay, so I've lost a few more days, but hey - I have something to say now!
Today, I went out with a certain ex-boyfriend of mine. And do I regret it? I would have to say IMMENSELY! And if I see him never, it'd be too soon formy liking right now. NEVER befriend a dealer unless you haven't been out with him and can't EVER be seen as a target to those who DON'T like Mr Dealer! (Yes, I'm a chicken, but I'm proud of my feathers!!!)
I have discovered what it is that he actually DOES for a living. He is a drug dealer. And yes, I know that I am revealing this over the net and that anyone looking at this could, in theory, be a police officer (by the way, has everyone noticed that gingerbread men are now gingerbread people?) but luckily for me - and him - I know not where he lives, so screw you, Charlie!
Anyway, I didn't realise that being a dealer could be so tiring. There's a lot of work involved, I have to admit! But hey, it's all in the name of money. It's annoying - he makes something stupid like 300 a day. That's, like, 2100 in a week. (I've heard that dealers don't get days off.) I'm sorry that I'm no good at maths. What is that in a week? Answers on a postcard...
He wants to buy a Lexus for a G, so I have to think that he works for maybe three and a half days... Oh, by the way, I want to buy a sail boat. I think that anyone wanting a fix should come to MEEEEEEEEEE in future...
Rachael has, once again, brightened up my life with her email to James.
Quote:
I've sent your friend James Jimbo Jimmy Jamie an email I decided not to harass him, but to play with his mind instead... The email was short, about 3 sentences, and entirely in Spanish.
Basically, it says:

"Sinor,

Excuseme... Me parezco haber colocado mal mi rectángulo del almuerzo y Jesús ha robado mi dinero del almuerzo... Usted tiene una salchicha de Francfort o un poco queso que podría pedir prestado?

- Pedro Dupacez"

Which means:

"Sir,

Excuse me... I seem to have misplaced my lunchbox and Jesus has stolen my lunch money... Do you happen to have a spare wiener or piece of cheese on you?

- Pedro Dupaces"
Thank you, my dear! That should tie him up for a while at least! Oh, what bitches us writers can be!
Oh yeah, yesterday I went to that presentation to pick up my story. It was going on 1:30-3:30, and I looked down at my watch while eating dinner and said, "What day is it today?" so mum said "Sunday." At that, I stood up and said, "In that case, I guess I'd better go and pick up that book." And so, at the stroke of 3:00, I turned up and got pointed at by the chairman who came over to me, gave me a hug and said "Do you realise that you're an hour and a half late and you've missed the photographic session?" I just smiled and said, "Good job I'm camera-shy, isn't it?"
OH, what a dolly I am!
By the way, I now have an honourary twin, and her name is Rachael!
WE ARE ONE!
Aye aye!

09/02

Well, somewhere along the line I lost four days of my life. But anyway, here's the run-down.
I quit college.
I might move to Leicester.
I have yet to tell my parents that I am a quitter.
My life feels over.
But, at the moment, I don't feel that bad. I know that there's somewhere out there on this planet who's wishing that I would just melt and never return, but, bitch, that old Kate who was back a couple of weeks ago for a day, if now quite possibly back for good.
On one hand, I will still be the shy girl who never gets the man's attention because she doesn't like men and SHOWS it. I will still be the wallflower of the party again, because I don't DO dancing! And the girlfriends of my friends will still hate me because they're stupid and they know no better. But, this is not the point.
There are few people I need in life, but those who I do need, I'll need FOR life. Reso, you are somewhat of an inspiration to me. But I doubt that I'll ever really have as much of a passion for ANYTHING as much as you have your passions. Sonny, if you weren't here, who'd protect me from sainsbury megabitches? (Cancel that, megabitch sounds as though I feel intimidated, she only makes me laugh!)
Issy, you're a nutbar. If you didn't exist, where would my occassional extravagance go? You know what you want, and you know how to get it. I'll never be like that, but I can sure as hell TRY!
Rachael, I don't know you that well, you you're the type of person I can open to, and I like that in a person. You're a complete goddess, you know? *bows to the Mighty One*
Felix... Mmmmm... Felix.... You know everything there is to know about my thoughts on you. I think. I hooooooope! Anyway, you still owe me an explanation as to what you were going to say last week. You'd better say it while we're alone under the moonlight, with no-one else around, because that way there'll be no witnesses when I break your face!
Paul, you're great! You make me laugh with your inane shit, but in a good way! And I don't think of it as shit! Honest!
Mum, Dad, Jimmy, Nan. You're my family! How could I desert you in spirit?
David, you're a social deviant, and remind me to jam with you on the PS when I bugger off to Canterbury to stay with ya!
Chris - I have to pour my heart out to someone, and Felix doesn't have 24-hour ears!
Polly. You're a demon without a cause, and absolutely beautiful. You're not that sociable, but I still love you more than anything on this planet!
Sammy, you ratbag, where would I be without you? Other than scar-less, and not flea-bitten... Damn, how could I deny it? I love your fluffy tabbiness, your kitten appeal, your arrogance, your belief that you can do what you want and WHEN you want, and your total, 100% unconditional love for the girl who hated you from birth. You're one of my best friends (oddly enough), and always there when I need you (again, oddly enough), and there when I don't, but you're always more loving each day, and if I could ever find a man like you *thinking one name at the moment* then I'd either carry out a very long relationship with him, or marry him. And you'd better like him, because I KNOW what you're like with men - hate every one except Dad and Jimbo...
To all of the above, in my usual soppy manner, I love you.

04/02

Well, today so far I have walked into college and STILL not gone to the lessons. I am getting to that stage where, although I NEED to go, I don't have the motivation. I know that the only things I could pass would be the hand-out exam. The law I'd fail miserably, and the PA... Doesn't even bear thinking about. I could make it, if I'm honest with myself, but then, with what's going on around me at the moment, I rather wish that I'd decided to go to uni, instead.
Why am I fucking well here?
WHO KNOWS!!! I am uncontrollable, and in the last couple of minutes I have gone from a major high to a major low. And I'm trying to tell myself that the longer I put it off, the more difficult it's going to get, but it just doesn't matter to me.
I'd never make a journalist. The news just doesn't interest me, and I'm never going to ever be able to specialise in sport or music. I'd rather just continue with what I do best, which is fiction. If I had a degree, I could go into magazine journalism, but I can't because I DON'T! That would've been closer to what I'm looking for, but it looks to me like I'm destined to be absolutely nowhere.
And the truth is that I am also a troubled kid. I'm coming to realise this now, but although I can keep trying my hardest to make everything right, I don't think I'll ever be able to.
I think I need a psychiatrist.

03/04

I am a first-class idiot. Only I could be a fantastic climber - I once successfully managed to climb a castle wall, which was rather funny - and then slip and completely CANE my arms and leg while walking down the stairs. Mum and dad were way too worried. I just stood up and walked to my destination, and my mum dragged me into the lounge, sat me down and said 'don't move' while she ran off to get some rather extremely cold, frozen peas.
I don't like peas.
Oh yeah - I also managed to make the world's greatest chocolate mousse! But I kinda set the pan and the stove alight - big surprise for those who know my cooking methods. The recipe was, you see, 30ml water, 15ml rum. And, being who I am, I put in 15ml rum and 45ml rum. Well, it evaporates, don't it? It'd, like, REDUCE to being 30ml! Besides. Water's bad for ya.
For those who wish to join me in my culinary skills, the ingredients are 225g plain chocolate, 4 eggs (rather severely separated), 30ml water, 15ml rum, 125g caster sugar, 125g english butter (Has to be English cos it's better than the alternatives!), 150ml double cream. Which, incidently, appears nowhere in the actual making, but I think that it's there for topping off. Go for clotted cream, though, cos, let's face it - it's a lot nicer, and so it HAS to be more unhealthy, right?
Email me if you want the recipe!

02/02

I went to work, then went for the MAJORLY long walk to Reso's house. We kicked around for a while, while Sonny chewed my finger to oblivion, and I have to admit - for a girl who only got two hours sleep, I looked DAMN good! (Gee, I wonder why in the world THAT could have been...?)
I have to admit, though, that it was one of those conversations that went through the extremes of absolutely everything, and so I don't know what the HELL is happening now. Playing it all calm, though - things could be worse, I guess. But who would know?
Anyway, my thoughts are now out in the open, and I don't think that there's a problem with that as long as I don't go proposing to anyone! Euch... Marriage. Strange thought, when I think about the word, and I'm not sure that I could ever be a wife. Cancel strange - HORRIFYING!!

01/02

Today was a piss poor day - nothing happened. I went in to college, and after an hour, I came back. And that's the end of my day!

31/01

Felix, you are my saviour!
I got woken at a ridiculously early hour this morning, and DAMN, I was actually grateful for the call! I was having this weird dream that kinda indicated that I was insecure - in every possible dream way - and all of a bloody sudden, Mr Paul gives a bell, and I remember absolutely nothing of that conversation. Scared the hell out of Sammy, though, but then, I was probably suffocating the cat to sleep, and he actually seemed to be enjoying it!
Anyway, even though he might not be aware of it - I think I told him twice - Felix is my dream scape goat. I call him when I get that irrepressible urge, but also after those dreams that terrorise my nights, and, in theory, last night was no different. But it FELT different, if I'm honest. I let out a lot more than I normally let out to people, especially when it came to college and music.
Sorry I didn't serenede you, cheri. It wasn't meant as an insult, I promise you!
Thanks for the chat. It did me more good than you'll ever know. I swear, though - I didn't and WOULDN'T hang up on you!!!

30/01

Well, I'm glad that someone was having fun last night! Issy, Issy, Issy... How dare you fall in love with a total loonatic??? (Who, I'll admit, does have a personality to die for for the majority of the time, is cute, AND does sound rather tasty!)
Someone's got a goofy grin!!! Ha ha ha!
Anyway, last night I had to endure playtime with Sammy, who got scared out of his wits at 330 this morning by a certain Mr Paul, who had decided to give me a buzz for, as it occurred, absolutely NO reason!
But, it was not all in vain! We have discovered that people with big dictionaries have very little shelf space, very strong arms, and very bad backs. Well, it's not QUITE what I'd heard, but hey, it'll do!
I have also been told that flea circuses do NOT have fleas!!! I am not amused by this - I liked the thought of all those cute little fleas being so utterly talented!
Oh, last occurrence - Sammy stretched and fell off my bed, and he thought he'd take the duvet with him. He really is a cutie, you just have to get to know him!

29/01

Well, I actually deigned to turn up to a lesson earlier! And I intend on going to my PA lesson (Why, I don't know...) and my journalism lecture, too. In fact, I have a couple of minutes to go until I end up BORED out of my skull.
I was actually thinking seriously last night about research and crap, and how I would like to make some kind of difference. It'd be nice, I guess. But, in truth, I know that my talents lie with writing, and so the research would be good, if it was for writing purposes. I also have a discipline problem (I REALLY can't take orders!), and a concentration span that makes me jealous of the ol' goldfish! DAMN, I really don't think that I can do this, but hey - I know for sure that my second dream in life (if not a writer) is to become an archaeologist. True, shit pay, but you get paid for scrabbling about in dirt, and then there's the writing... YEAH!!! I've found my calling! I couldn't even BEGIN to fathom other languages, cultures, symbols, dating... I would be so useless, it's unreal!
So, maybe I'll just stick to what I'm good at - writing, rambling, and talking absolute crap!
Yeah - sounds good!

28/01

Well, hey. Another boring day, and all I can do is sit here at the computer in the darkness, hoping that the chink take-away's on my way home! But, of course, it isn't, and so I am going to have to stick on my trainers and take a long jog to the Stow and invade Lychee Garden. I would go to the Peking Chef, but, to be completely honest with you, I really don't feel like it! Sure, I haven't seen Leo in bloody ages, but hey, my interests lie somewhere else. :-)
In theory I'm going to Nin-Jutsu tonight. (Sarah's so well into her martial arts, she had her ghi(however it's spelt) the second day she turned up.) Sure, I'm gonna go, but then again, I'm not too into all that type of stuff now. I used to be a few years ago - hey, ickle kick boxer here - but, well, it's not that I've out-grown it, but I have other things on my mind. I'm more into my camera, my writing, and the fact that I might one day actually have some sort of reasoning behind my life. I'd like to say something good's going to come out of it, but I'd be lying. Or not lying, but hoping too much. I'm looking for that thing that's going to make me something, but... I have to be realistic.
1) I don't think that my hajj thing will ever lead to anything, but I'm still going to try! Hell, I'm an Aries - I owe it to myself to be a persistant bitch!
2) The guy I want over all men doesn't mind my interest (I think he's a little flattered, actually), but I don't think that he's feeling anything. So hey, at least we're not likely to have any major arguments over spending too much time together!
3) Ideally, I want to get out of this country and spend my lifetime travelling. It'll take a lot of time to reach this, and I hope that a certain Felix will come with me. Honey, you don't have to spend your life travelling with me, just come to ONE place with me at least!
4) Yes, I hate America, but I am GOING to go and look after children, and then the yanks will realise that us English are NOT just great-accented mad scientists, hell-bent on taking over the world, or, at the very LEAST, destroying it! (America first, of course - apparently we realise that America is The country of countries... (BOLLOCKS! WE ALL KNOW THAT ENGLAND IS!!!))
Things couldn't really get much worse for me, but then, I'm just going to think I have my friends behind me, people willing to kill Baines for me, and I am GOING to make it! But I still feel sorry for those people who are trying to make my life difficult at the moment. They clearly don't realise that I have a double whammy - protective parentage AND protective friends! but it's their own fault for being such fools! If they stop hounding me, though, I'll be really upset. I find them so damn funny!

27/01

Today was nothing special. I woke up, and I was the only person in the house. Sam was with me, Polly was on the apples and pears. I love those two! Anyway, I went to the effort of drowning myself in the bath, and then I began to clear my cupboard.
BIG mistake.
The day Jimbo died, I ordered my nan to stay in my bedroom. She left a bag there that she had initially brought in to my grandad - seeing as he was, in theory, supposed to be coming home the next day. If was his general bits and bobs - toothbrush, toothpaste, slippers, glasses... All those things were gone, bar the bag.
The bag still resided in my cupboard. I looked up to the pictures I have of my grandad, and I ended up crying in the corner of my room. Sammy sorted me out, though. He came in and just did the typical Sam thing - he was absolute beauty.
Anyway, Jamie got gold at his festival today, dad annoyed mum by making me and Jamie utterly legless with laughter (mainly me, but I think that was because I was the only person NOT begging dad to go back to the festival), and Sarah came over. We played spiderman for a while, and watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and then went pootling off in Jarvis to go grab some chink. Had to be chicken chow mein!
And then I went to bed, woke up at some ungodly hour, and couldn't get back there. Thank you, Felix, for being awake! (Yeah, cheri, I know you could sleep all day and all night, you drunken gimp! ;-)) And after another night of him making me laugh and just plain cheering me up, I went to bed at 5 and found the land of Nod so much easier to find.
I think that everyone should have a Felix!

26/01

at home, par seul... I decided to do the only thing possible that would cheer me up. I woke Felix up! Heh heh heh! I did actually regret it, though. He was so incredible, even when he DID realise what the time was, I couldn't help thinking I really should have called him later. At the time it was a matter of I have to be up early, he has to be, too!
I don't know why, but I gave him a bit of an honest answer to a question he once asked me(eventually), and I don't THINK he minded, but then, I could have been wrong. I asked if he had a problem with it, and he said no. I hope not - I could have really lost a great guy there!
I really like him a lot. He makes me smile, laugh and just generally in a good mood. Plus, he's got great taste in music. I'm going to steal it off him one day!
I'm having second thoughts about him, though - he dumped me for chicken chow mein! I mean - I would NEVER do such a thing to ANYONE!!! (LIE, LIE!!)

25/01

Well, the day was weird, to say the least. I had Mr Baines coming on to me no-end - sends shivers down my spine thinking about it - and then HE accused ME of being the one who was starting the sex talk!
BAINES: Did you manage to get laid at the weekend?
Kate: Wasn't really looking, but could have been.
That's how the damn conversation started! Oh, actually, I tell a lie - He said 'How are you, Kid?' I said 'Oh, take me, you fantastic pile of manliness! Jeez, what a git! I'm sure he was jacking off when I was having a bit of a work out, and the POSITIVE he was a bit later! DAMN! Men are such annoying creatures!
I just kept thinking, though, go home, settle, go to work, find Herbie (my lucky desk), and get my usual lucky number, 7!
But NOOOOO! Day gets slightly worse - DAMN you for not being around, Felix! And then gets better again! I brought my lucky pen, Nigel, with me (Yeah, I name all my lucky items -got a problem with that?) and I pulled a fantastic (for me) 10!!!!! Yay!!! Happy now!

24/01

Well, my night was topped by speaking to my gorgeous, sexy beast Rachael! Call your snake Desmond, Rach! I seem to have made her crack up by ringing her a second time and saying 'wassup, my niggah?' down the phone. Heh heh heh. I would like to stress now that it was NOT an insult to the black community - I would only ever do that if I hated someone (IKE, IKE, IKE!!!), and I don't actually hate many people. (IKE, IKE, IKE!!!) And even if I did, I would not get racial with them. I am the first to stand up for anyone who is being racially abused, but I would also like to say:
What the HELL is up with some people??? A black guy attacks a white guy, an attack has occurred. A white guy attacks a black guy, it's instantly a racial attack! Like HELL it is!!! Hey, when are they going to stop putting about the racial issue and realise that they are NOT the victims??? Hell, WE'RE the ones getting the name, not them! But all due respect - there is too much racism on this planet to proclaim otherwise. Well, when I am ruler of the world, with my ever-loyal Felix by my side, I shall THROW ALL RACISTS INTO THE PACIFIC!!!

Okay, I'm done now! Thank you for listening!

23/01

I woke up this morning feeling a completely different person. Now I've said that, I have automatically made myself an open target for my dad, so I'll say it before he does - his name was Eric, and I found him on the way home. There. Ha, ha, dad! Anyway. Back to the point. I woke up, and I realised that the determined Kate was back with a vengeance. So, I got up, jumped into the bath, sorted out my manuscript to send to a publishing agency, and headed out the door. Completely forgetting, of course, that just before I went out the door, I had to put the cats out, and so I'd put down the script, and it is currently residing in the kitchen.
Problem number 2. I turned up five minutes early to my lesson, and waited here for ten minutes before actually realising that the lesson is ACTUALLY in a completely different room. BOLLOCKS, I believe, expresses my emotions.
Moral to this stroy is: NEVER think that you've become someone else, because you NEVER REALLY HAVE!!!
*Cough*
BOLLOCKING BUGGERY BASTARDY HELL!!!!!

22/01

Not much has happened today. In fact, absolutely SOD ALL!!!
I would like to say, however...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHAEL!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm done. Thank you for listening!

21/01

It was Don's funeral today. I have never felt so... empty of all emotion before. And I felt rather screwed, to say the least.
For once, I didn't cry. Not until the cremation, anyway. But I now admire someone a whole lot more than I did a month ago.
My godmother, Jo, made the most beautiful speech that I've ever heard, and I was touched. So dam,n touched that I'm not quite sure as to why I didn't cry. Michael, her husband, was slightly more choked when he spoke, but Jo is such a strong person, I could only hope that I become more like her.
Michael's sons, Piers and James, went to their step-grandad's funeral. And I have to admit, only one thing on this planet can hurt me more than anything else, and that would be seeing a man cry. I have never seen a grown man cry before - My brother Mark cried when Jimbo died, but it wasn't the same. I mean, Mark tried to hide it. He wasn't proud of it. But Piers... I think that he might just have been more hurt than James by Don's death, and when I saw him crying, I had to do it.
I pounced on him the moment we left the crem. And then I gave him the mother of all hugs. I think he appreciated it, after all, I wouldn't do it for just ANYone!
The poor guys. I really will miss Don. I hope that jo hasn't crumbled into a heap yet, though.

19/01

Obviously, I'm actually writing this on Monday, which means that I have absolutely no real recollection of Saturday night. But here's the brief outline.
I went out with Kini. He's a very nice guy, very down-to-earth.
Or so I thought.
He isn't what he appears to be, and I'm not sure that I feel like telling the world what he, well, really is.
Suffice it to say that I don't think I will be going anywhere with him, as friends or otherwise.
It caused a major ruckas with the parents for one thing, and for another, well, I don't really feel that safe now. I'm sounding paranoid now, but if the truth be known, I feel as if the safe society I theoretically live in has crumpled, and now all I have left are the friends who I have known for a long time, or long enough to know that they will NOT lead me astray.
So, Kini, you can keep your drugs for someone else.
Reso, Rach, Paul, Mr Paul, McCarthy, Felix, Issy...
I have never meant it so much when I say I LOVE YOU!

18/01

I went to St Nicks and once again, I publically insulted Mr Baines. Oh, what a perfect victim. I told him I never liked him because he was such a loud mongrel. He had a class full of year sixes at the time, and he just smiled and nodded. IS THERE NO WAY TO GET TO HIM?????
But hey, he showed me the adult-only gym, and no-one else uses it, and so hey, I ended up in there on the breaks and carried out severe work-outs on the bench-press. Ah, how relaxing!
The conversation about my nunchaks threw me - he asked me if they were battery-operated. Hmmm... methinks! We watched the kids orienteering, and then he deigned to clean my boots from mud. A tad strange, but the closest thing to a man that's been on his knees in front of me for a while. LOL, I'm sounding as though I'm desperate here! Far from. Either way, it was his fault to begin with, so who gives a damn?
And so I spent the night at work - sh*t night for me, lucky desk and pen went walkies - and then followed that up with So Graham Norton, that naughty Irishman! If I was a man...
So. What type of girl gets an early night and GETS IGNORED BY HER FAVOURITE PAUL...? This type, I assume. The type that's going off and having several joints the next morning!
Anyway, I'm going to get naked now, so later, gators!

17/01

I'm BORED! I wanna talk to someone I like - where are you, geezers? It doesn't matter that much, though - I'm going to be calling Rachael soon while she's attempting to look after a cherub, and then I shall go and get my hair ripped out of its roots!
Love everyone, and the following message is for Paul:

You've really touched me, honey, and if you want, my assassination skills are available for hire. All you have to do is ask, and I shall make sure that all the women on this planet - apart from the nice ones - because men like you do NOT deserve to be even slightly hurt!

Message for Mr Paul (aka Paul 2):

Now now, darling - jealousy is a very ugly trait, and I don't think I'll like you more if you murder Paul 1!

I love you, guys!

16/01

Well, ain't this a turn-around?
My thoughts before Christmas - about a rape and NOT a murder in the park - were correct. Fair enough.
The rape that happened Saturday night/afternoon... If the apparently very violent one before Christmas was just the police, the forensics team and about twelve hours of the park being roped, then why did the police see fit to barricade the park by my house for three nights?
Basically, what I am saying is that the police brought the dog unit up because it was something deeper than rape.
Great.
I'm living next door to a murder scene.
The bars on me having the window are going to be tighter, and I just SOOOOO know that I'm going to be chauffered to and from college... DAMN this man! I like my park life, dammit! The bastard...
BUT there was a couple of up sides to this day so far.
#1) Mr Paul phoned, and we carried out a quite amusing little conversation, and I've completely forgotten what it was about.
#2) Paul and I held out our longest chat yet, being something like a couple of hours, and then a couple of hours. And now I'm thinking things I shouldn't be thinking, so on with
#3) Felix has been blowing gently on my neck. But next time, cheri, don't THREATEN to call me! I could've done with talking to... erm... another sexy man?
Wow, that's two sex gods in one night/morning! I'm impressed, honeys!
By the way, I love you both! ;-)

Additional notes that had previously been edited:

Saturday night, the one and only night when I ever danced (willingly) in my life, was also an Issy Exploit. She remembers from that night only her name and that she drunk a lot. May I just also say, Issy, well done! You pulled! Several times! *applauds*

More additional notes:

Rachael has now publically admitted that she loves me!!! I love you, too, Rach! Yay!!!! Let's get married and have ferrets! (Sorry - I'm having Paul's puppies and Felix's kittens, so I'm running out of cute, cuddly animals, but ferrets ARE my favourite animals. I have a lizard because my mum said 'DON'T YOU DARE COME BACK WITH ANY FERRETS, RATS OR DOGS!!!' But she later heard about the king charles caveliers and grieved for her words.)

Additionally additional addition:

I'm sorry, Sarah! I never meant to shout/get very close to shouting - I felt like a rabbit on speed coming off a high.

15/01

It's Jimmy Scumbag's birthday, and I am, well, in a state of having not got him a card. I'm also on Candle duty, which means, more or less, that I shall, in fact, be shopping for - erm - candles.
In theory, I am supposed to be joining Kini and David for a smoke... Did I say smoke? I meant to say joke. And then, apparently, Lord Of The Rings is on the agenda. I wouldn't mind, but Felix said that it was "er... long." I trust the guy's judgement, seeing as he is a fellow god, and so I think that this's the part that I shall be missing.
I spoke to Kini about it, anyway, and he's pushing it to Saturday instead, because, let's face it - Chinese take-away, or weed?
Chink
Weed
Chink
Weed
Chink it is!!
Well, although I find that it is an immense aphrodisiac, I have no man to work its wonders on. I mean, hey, I COULD go and have insanely passionate sex with Kini OR David, but the fact is that I DON'T BLOODY WELL WANT TO!!!! I'll be honest - the next time I have sex with someone, it's going to be because I can see myself spending my life - or at least a good part of it - with him. I blatantly DO believe in sex before marriage (I told the boys here I don't to throw them off the track), but I am officially fed up of men. You find THE guy, and he's, like, a light year away from ya, as both Issy and Rachael are aware. Hmmm... *Drums fingernails on the table* Where has my spirit gone? Oh yeah, in the bottle by the vivarium still. DAMN, all that rum and I haven't touched more than a shot of it!
So, I can't say that last night Reso and I had a barny. But I was getting so IRATE, I needed a hug, dammit! The thing was that I had the largest bastard of a headache possible (Maybe the reminents of the great night out with Issy on Saturday/Sunday/whenever), and I thought 'If I go to nin-jutsu tonight and get thrown about like a rag-doll, I shall be rather iritable.' And so I phoned Reso when I woke up(about 7:24 (Not exactly, or anything)) and said that I wasn't going to go because I felt like shit. True? Immensely. And I got the response '*Sigh* I knew you were going to do this.' ????????? What the HELL is up with that, Kate asks in her mind, and gets all grizzly, and then I think I might have started an argument, which I regret. Well, it wasn't an argument, but pretty close to one.
Mum, ever the lifesaver, decided to press redial and explain to Sarah that I had been dead to the world since I returned from college.
More happenings from last night - dad threatened to throw me outta home because I wouldn't close my window or shut the blind. I got told that mum, dad and Jimmy were going to Italy, and that I could come if I wanted, and I went into (yet another) singing mode, hitting the roof with Fly Me To The Moon, which I've been singing since Sunday afternoon. Gee, I wonder why...?
The Italy thing - I have to admit that when you know the best-looking 37-year-old Italian on this planet, things look up. I've known him all my life, and he's recently got a divorce - he phones dad every so often to argue about Arsenal beating Valencia and stuff. Sexy, but a dentist. Besides, I just am NOT interested in anyone at the moment. WHAT IN BUGGERNATION IS WRONG WITH ME?????????
Oh, well!
Oh yeah, I also went to college today, and gave up half way through. Shock, horror!
So, Paul - what's going on in the news today?

14/01

I am still a bad student.
I train in journalism, which means that I have to read the papers and watch the news.

WHY did I have to be told by a Canadian about what's going on in my own country???

Well, so far today I have come in to college (YUP, I turned up at a
lesson!) and, lo and behold, Ros is not in still. Instead, we have one
Peter Wells, former deputy-editor of the Cambridge Evening Post.
Another reporter who never made it, I see. To be honest, I am bored at
the moment. I have got an urge to talk to Felix, too. The guy can talk
sense, you see. He also possesses the sexiest voice around. If his
voice was a drug, I would totally and utterly be hooked!
I went through a strange feeling this morning. When I woke up, I felt as
though someone was with me, and yet, after a few seconds, it became
apparent that I was completely alone, with Sammy crawling in through
the window after a hard two hours of being outside. In theory I should
be going to Nin-jutsu tonight, but I don't quite think that I can be. Yup yup yup, Kate has once again lost all motivation!
I was so bored this morning at six that I went to the effort of looking
through the encyclopedia for greek myths. Namely Narcissus and Echo. Instead, my eye fell onto Niagra Falls. The following thoughts flew
across my mind:
Where the hell is it?
Why is it so goddamn beautiful?
WHY have I not seen it yet?????
Oh well, I'm so bored, I might just start doing some work now!
Anyway, after my darlingly beautiful Paul's email, I feel ready to fight anyone I meet on the long trek home from college tonight. That is, if I was actually ALLOWED to walk home - it's that protection thing again!
I also feel that he has slammed the Saxonite Army. I am an Irish throw-back, huh? Well, to point one thing out, my dear, the other side of my family's Scottish! Nobody wanted me, hence I live in England.
But the Saxonite Army has one policy. I don't know if I ever told you this, honey, but we kill anyone Irish. Let's face it - they possess the Corrs, B*witched (Who?!!) Boyzone and Westlife. They deserve to die!
Anyway. Later, pets!

13/01

Well, I'm writing this based on the events from midnight onwards!
David, my best friend from when I was 3 (Not four, as I had been led to believe, so thanks for pointing this out to me, honey!)was in Jumpin Jaks. I discovered this by bumping into him in a drunken stupor, and we pounced on each other for what seemed like an eternity of hugging. If heartbeats were jet fuel, I would have been on Mars.
Well, I was as pissed as a rat, which wasn't surprising bearing in mind that I had my attention drawn to the free bar at a prior party at about 10pm, and had to drink the bar's brandy, budweiser, baileys and tia maria content in the hour until closing time. I don't do dancing, being a self-concious rat, and sooooooooomehow, in Jaks at around 1, DJ told me that all his chinas already fancied me. I can honestly say that, regardless of how drunk I was, I managed to still look great. I know that no picture could have captured the greatness, though, so good job that there was a lack of cameras!
Well, when you're wearing an extremely pornographically see-through shirt, people are bound to notice you.
Back to the point though. DJ succeeded in dragging me onto the stage where we entered the Time Warp (It's just a jump to the left...), and amazingly enough, Kate and the Dave Quintet took to the floor until the club's closing time. It's just a shame that I needed all the alcohol, though!
I may have also diverted an 'incident' (There was another rape alongside my house, which means that when I walk home at night, I'm going to be rather armed...). I saw these two blokes in the carpark at midnight with baseball bats, caps and dark clothes. Somehow, I don't think that they were off to a game. WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH ALL THIS AMERICAN HEGEMONY????? DOES NOBODY PLAY CRICKET ANYMORE?? Anyway, knowing the local police station's number off by heart (Don't even think it's because I spend so much time in there!), I thought hey, I'll give the old bill a buzz and warn them. Then I was happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah - I'm a grass. Do I look like I give a shit?
Anyway, DJ and me met this guy outside, Kini. We then engaged in intense conversation about sitting on the throne. DJ pointed out that the older you get, the more you can appreciate taking a dump, in his words. This is true, Kini agreed. This is why the olds take their newspapers to the toilet with them - they appreciate the experience!
(Jamie realised this at an early age - he used to read Roald Dahl while decorating the bogseat.)
By the way - thanks for the emails, Paul and Rachael. Rach, you know how great I think you are. That really touched my soul, that. And Paul... If I find out that you are a David Bowie and a Glenn Miller fan, I'm afraid I'll have to marry you and... Well, I've already promised Felix that I'd have his kittens, so unfortunately I can't have yours!
Love you, guys! I really hope you know that because I really do. I cherish you right in the depths of my existence, and if I lost ANY of my friends, especially you guys, I would drown in my sorrows.

12/01

Bollocks to this. It's, what, half eleven in the morning/afternoon, and at bloody 8 45 this morning my mum burst into my bedroom and stared at me. Then this exchange occurred:
'Has dad told you?'
'Told me what?'
'So he hasn't been in here?'
'Why would he have been here?'
'So you don't know?'
'Don't know what?'
'I just thought that Dad would have told you by now'.
Kate lost her rag.
'WELL, WE'VE JUST BLOODY WELL ESTABLISHED THAT HE HASN'T, HAVEN'T WE???' (Head speech, not mouth.)
'Don died last night'.
Absolute silence. Don was my godmother's dad, the grandad I never had but should have had. He used to teast me, playing on my ignorance. He spent half an hour on New Year's Day in 2000 teasing me with this really cool musical tie he was wearing - it played Jingle Bells - and I was just trotting around the room, a little 'mature' 17 year old trying to find the music. I just thought that Don was fiddling with his tie. :-) That was a great day - there was something about the presence of Don and Grandad (not necessarily at the same time) that reduced me to utter childhood. And to be able to feel like a complete child in someone's presence - it's a great feeling. You know, you get to feel vulnerable, but completely content in the arms of a man who you know loves you. That's the way I felt about my grandad, anyway. I could always hug Don whenever I wanted, too. And Peg, his wife.
After leaving on a shopping trip with Sarah and Sonny (her cute little Safford bull terrier who seems to have claimed me for his own), I managed to get myself separated from the pair in a desperate bid to pass on my phone to my brother. Well, I can do almost anything idiotic, you see!! The moment Sarah took Sonny off for a crap, the poor 'defenceless' pup was set on by some mongrel mutt! But not to worry, as a Staff, Sonny was so stunned, he turned and bit the mutt on the nose. And this is not all that happened to the poor, evil-prone puppy! Ooooooh no, some bastard Swan decided to swim up to him earlier and hiss at him for no reason. Jeeeeez, is it now a crime to look at some water? Anyway, after repeatedly calling the swan ugly (well, he was!) we went bombing down the road for no apparent reason. Well, actually, it was to go to the town. Then I got lost, and got my brother a birthday present. His birthday's on Tuesday, and so it's so much more sensible to get him a present while he's in Germany, right?
Anyways, this was also the day I got one of the cutest emails I've ever had. Again, it made me feel like hugging a certain someone, who shall remain nameless. DAMN, I love you! I'm still not getting to that stage where I'm thinking I must have a relationship, but I definitely know who it'd be with if I have one.
Honey, you're so judgemental! Just because I say I love you to everyone, doesn't mean that I'm cheating on you! Heh heh heh. I don't quite know what the theme of my site is either, but it does exist for a reason. I believe that it is my own personal tribute site to everyone I love, everyone I hate, and total indifference. But if you don't like your presence on this site - and I admit you do pop up a lot -then your name shall be erased for all eternity and shall be replaced by my nick-name - Fred!

11/01/2002

I went to work, and forgot completely what to say when I got there. Regardless, my lucky desk supplied all the brains I needed, and, yet again, I coined 7 appointments. That is definitely my lucky desk. Every time I've been on it, I have managed to make it to 7. This is good. However, I can't help thinking that if I go to the one that is two to the right, maybe I'll make it to 16 every night.
Anyways, I got a complete rollocking off some wench who was screaming blue murder at me because I phoned her fiance. HELL, lady, you were the one to give me the number in the first place! 'Hi, this's Kate from-' 'What the hell do you think you're doing? My fiance is a GP, he needs his mobile for emergencies, and so far he has had three unsolicited phonecalls from this number! I'm livid about this! I was never warned that we would be receiving any calls, and I'm sorry that I ever wrote this number down in the first place!' Grrr... I don't like being yelled at. I am a quiet person. I don't like arguments, and I don't expect to be yelled at for my first call of the night to a number that I have never called before.
Damn psycho lady! If she had politely declined, then I would have accepted a gentle 'we're not actually interested'. But nooooooo, I have to get some form of dragon lady!!! Was she your ex, Paul?
Of course, this all followed the Night Before:
So, yeah, after talking to Rach for what seems like not long enough - we were getting into an interesting conversation about gerbils, believe it or not - I got an email from Paul. It almost (I don't have any emotions, you see) made me want to hug him more than I've ever hugged anyone in my life.
He really is a confusing gentleman. I love him to pieces and all that, but that email sent me into a state of mixed emotions - a "Hmmm..." and a "yeah..." It appears that to a certain extent, my diagnosis on The Truth was correct. I don't want to push it, or him, so I guess that I'll just let him sort out everything in his own time. Nice thought, though... me... him... boats... I think I'll change the subject now!!!
Something strange happened when I was trying to get to sleep, last night/this morning. The friday after Christmas, Sammy got introduced to Sonny, a sweet, beautiful, sexy little puppy who's growing at the same rate as a volcanic eruption. Big disagreement, Kate gets slashed. I have a couple of scars now, nothing too serious. Hey, if I can get asked out two days after the Essex Massacre, then I have to look tolerable, right?
On to the strange thing. I was at that stage of needing to be on the roof, as I normally do, and I was laying there, staring at the stars. I saw something flash past. I'm not sure what it was. But all of a sudden, I was re-living the entire episode - the pain, the heat, everything. And it almost made me cry.
And this time, Reso wasn't there to give me a hug, and I just layed there for what seemed like hours, but was probably more like minutes. Needless to say that when I re-entered the world of the living, I crawled into bed and lay there for a while like the scared puppy I am. I can't stand pain. Inflicting, or otherwise. But what happened was so odd. I can't figure out what went through me. It's not like I smoke at all, dammit! Though what I wouldn't give for a joint... I forgot about the cattack the day after it happened, so what was with the flash and flashback? I assume that the flash was either sheet lightning or my imagination, but there's no excuse for the thoughts!

10/01/2002

The birth of my baby web site, and I know that this's gonna be an ideal opportunity to have a bitch and gripe about everyone in my life, out of my life, and wishing was in my life but didn't quite make it there.
Today I skived college - no change there - and I stared at some wannabe hippy with dreads halfway down his back, and I thought to myself - I really need to get my hair chopped off soon!
Sarah's at work, so life's boring from that end, and I'm still in the stages of "YAY, new job!" which roughly translated means that I'm looking forward to my three hours tonight of 5s50 (and ecstatic by the fact that it's going up to 7s in a couple of months). I sit there on the phone all day - or, alternatively, from 6:30 til 9:30 in the evening - and give an insanely long speech down the phone, and then get bored and hang-up! Heh heh heh! As a few of you are aware, this is very typically me. I get bored, I suddenly cut all conversation and say "See ya" and hang up. Luckily, I have a nicer attitude with my friends. "I love ya, bye."
I got an email from Paul today, which perked me up a little. We didn't have a falling-out as such, but I'm thinking that both of us said things we regret. (I'm only saying this to make him feel better, I meant every word of what I said, and I hope it's mutual!)
Oh yeah, and I feel rotten because on Saturday, not only did I have this exchange of words with Paul, but Harlow lost. To Bromley. Well, at least it wasn't to Bishop's Stortford! (Incidentally, we caned Stortford's arse 1-4 on St Stephen's Day, and we'll do it again on April 1) And we're gonna win on Saturday against Whyteleafe. Honestly, what a crappy name!
Oh, one more point - I'm bored!
But hey, just had another email from that Canadian beauty, and I'm now thinking "YEAH!" Oh god, I'm so happy!!!!!!
Paul - thanks. I'm touched, honey, and it's mutual.